Hello, it’s me, Jess.

So, it’s been a while. I’m still here, though. Still embracing crazy.

Since we’ve last talked, we have moved cities, changed jobs, left every ounce of familiarity and comfort, added another child to the family, endured some serious loss and trauma, and are currently battling my newly diagnosed Lupus.

One of the challenges of going through an auto-immune disease is that it is so dehumanizing to feel like your body is in revolt against itself. It has been a struggle to feel “normal,” as things about my body and my abilities (that previously came naturally) have become huge struggles. Losing my “self” in a context that was totally new (new community, new schools, new church, new friends) was so isolating as I struggled to make connections and feel known, when I felt like the real me was hiding or lost somewhere in the distant past.

And so, now that things are stabilizing a bit (I think!), I’m working hard to recover my health, and my self. I’m realizing that I will never recover my same exact self, as there are some parts of me I have gladly left behind in my quest for health and wholeness (that’s a future-post in the making). But there are things about me that are so very core to who I am, that have been suppressed for a season so that my body and my brain could focus on the singular task of healing. And it’s time to wake them up. Hosting, writing, dancing, photography, adventure, friendship, community-building… these are the things I am ready to welcome back into my life… the places where I find my “self” and shape my “self,” time and time again.

So I’ve decided to pick this little blog back up. And I’m not sure how it will go, but my current hope is to carve out some space in my evenings for a little free-write and reflection. I won’t be hurt if those of you who subscribed to this blog 4 years ago to follow our Uganda adventures decide you don’t want an email notification every time I decide to do a little stream-of-conscious musing, but you are welcome to tag-along, if you like!

So, here we go. Embracing crazy, part deux.
(Plus a photo of the kids, because, #itsbeenawhile.)


the mom I want to be

At a staff meeting a while back, we did an exercise where we had to think about and talk about what we would like written on our epitaph when we die. Mine was something like this:

Jessica Rae Ludwig, fierce in her celebration of life and her love for others.

This exercise got me thinking about how others, particularly my kids, experience me on a day-to-day basis. I feel they know me as a structure and rule-keeper who takes care of them when they need something and puts food on the table, but I’m not sure they often get much else from me (is there even time for anything else on most days?). Do they know me as someone who celebrates life and loves others extravagantly? Do they feel loved and celebrated by me, or do they just watch me do that for others? Do I allow room for adventure and beauty and unknown in our regular day-to-day relationship?

My epitaph didn’t say anything about leaving the kitchen really clean every time I leave the house, or having kids who do their homework really thoroughly, which is funny because these are things that I often use as measures of my daily “success” and things that are the result of my present strivings and intentions.

I’m working to shift my perspective, and their experience. I want to pass along to my kids more than just a love for order and the ability to make good choices. I want them to see life as a beautiful adventure and to live in a way that invites others to join the adventure, to uncover beauty, and to love well. So, we are making some changes around here.

I resolve to:

  • Celebrate the small things. This means every day, specific, individual, celebrations with and for my kids (the fact that its Monday, Owen putting away something that was not his, an act of kindness to a friend, etc.). This also means that we celebrate random, small, “holidays” in ways that are meaningful and fun.
  • Involve my kids in the celebration of others. I put a lot of intentionality into celebrating the people I love, but I rarely give my kids the chance to participate in the brainstorm, creation, and execution of these celebrations. I also sometimes have celebrations begin when the kids are in bed so that I can be more focused on the celebration. I’m trying now to involve my kids and to allow them to think about ideas to show appreciation and to help plan celebrations. I’m also trying to be more strategic to allow them to participate in at least part of the celebration for people who are important in their lives, even if it means staying up past bedtime and potentially consuming more sugar than I’d like (ha, but, really).
  • Eliminate the word “late” or “hurry” from my regular vocabulary (especially in the mornings). This is my quest: make mornings meaningful instead of maddening. Instead of rushing around and shooing my kids out the door and into the car so we won’t be late, I choose moving slower (even if it means setting my alarm a little earlier so I can get a head start, ugh). I choose to smile, to speak softly, to hear the requests of my kids (but likely not to accommodate them all), to look them in the eye, and to send them on their way feeling good about themselves and about the day. There’s no need for us to leave the house feeling stressed and frazzled, and it has occurred to me that it is up to me, by my language and my actions, to set the tone for the day. A few intentional choices here (like actually not using the words “late” or “hurry” even if we are or if we need to), and I notice the tone in our household and the disposition of our kids is drastically different. If this means we are a few minutes late to school, I think it’s worth it (though, for the record, I do value timeliness and want to teach my kids that too).

Sometimes, I get too caught up in the every day monotony of checking all my “boxes” to keep things going and in good order that I get a little short sighted and I don’t think about whether or not the things I am doing now are going to produce the results I am hoping they do in the future. In these times I also tend to forget that the formation of my self and my family are more important than the other items on my to do list.

beach play